James Nesbitt to Star in Cinderella – Probably Not As Cinderella

James Nesbitt is to star in yet another whoring out of a literary classic. This time he's doing a fairy tale; Cinderella, which is set to be *shocker*, a modern interpretation.

Announced today by the BBC, the plot (which would fit perfectly on CBBC were it not for some addition about human evolution that was clearly also the main subject of the famous Walt Disney version) involves Professor Prince (see what they did there?) and Cindy (AND THERE?!) in a university in a modern time. Cindy, a cleaner, wants to go to Borneo as the Professor’s assistant (which I suppose is kinda like wanting to go to the ball. Both "ball" and "Borneo" start with the letter B), so she looks for help from “fellow cleaner” and friend, Alice (think of her as the talking mouse). Two students seem to take the role as the evil step-sisters. As this is the modern version, they’ll either be chavs or there’ll be serious physical abuse or something to make it edgy, I’m hoping they curl one out on the hardwood floor to make her clean up, to signify the class divide obviously. That’s what I always used to do at University to keep my cleaner in her place.

Whilst the plot in the press release goes a bit vague, one can only presume that a few things will be certain. The Fairy Godmother will no doubt be a giant floating Nokia N95 with a smiley text face. The ball will be a rave. The carriage will become a Vauxhall Corsa. Glass slippers will become white Converse. She’ll lose one white Converse cause she’ll be off her face on ecstasy before walking face first into a wall. Last but not least, the King will be played by Keith Allen.

Worst still, I’ll probably be completely wrong and it’ll actually be good, despite it probably ending up with a name like “Cindy!”. Other fairy tales set for a modern remake in the same series will include Rapunzel (hair extensions in a three storey council house), The Emperor’s New Clothes (The Queen gets her tits out during a royal visit) and Billy Goat Gruff (which is just a shit fairy tale anyway).