Cotton Wool Brains

On More4 just now was a show called Cotton Wool Kids. It's about parents, and children of parents, who think that the world is so dangerous that they simply can't let the kids out of their sight for even a second.

There's a guy who will stalk his son in his car whenever he lets him go anywhere (although he's rubbish at it), a woman who has conversations with her daughter that start "see that man? He's a stranger, isn't he?", and a woman who is having her children "chipped", like... God, I don't even know -- we don't even treat animals that way. Anyway, she's having GPS things put in them so she'll always know where they are and how deep the nasty man has buried them.

Partly it's just gullible, tabloid-trusting paranoia, which on its own is stupidity in such massive amounts that it's frankly verging on becoming a punishable crime, but as well as that it's the most god-awful selfish hypocrisy -- they were perfectly happy to run around free when they we're kids, and let's not pretend their parent's weren't at all worried, but now it's them doing the worrying and their kids' freedom at stake, suddenly now they flip into overprotective mode and keep the kids locked up where they can be monitored at all times by their parents and thirty-two satellites. All this, and the kidnappings they fear (largely on the back of one case that was almost certainly just the parents drugging the girl to sleep, overdoing it, and hiding the evidence) haven't actually got any more common in 20 years. Apparently. They want it both ways, and it's just selfish and stupid and pathetic.

I'm convinced they're busily wrecking any chance their kids might have of growing into useful members of society. They have good intentions, certainly, but so do the anti-MMR-jab whack-jobs and and suicide bombers, and they're all going to ruin and shorten people's lives. These people need to be fucking told.

I Actually Do Like This Show.

Dara O'Briain: Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O'Briain, and I'm not doing a stand-up bit, presumably because it used to give away all the answers. The first round is called "If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?" Russell, pick a topic.

Russell Howard: Anything.

Dara O'Briain: Okay, the answer is "a ridiculously large number".

Russell Howard: Is it "how many times has this episode of Mock the Week been on Dave?"

Andy Parsons: EXTERMINATE!

Dara O'Briain: And I'm going to give the points to Frankie, Hugh and Easily Booked Guest #1. Okay, the next round is called "try to tenuously link an existing bit of your stand-up routine to a category I read out", so would everyone go and stand on the lowered bit of the set we used on Whose Line Is It Anyway? Okay, the first topic is "the congestion charge". Anyone?

Andy Parsons: So, the congestion charge, eh? George Bush is a bit thick. A joke about that.

Dara O'Briain: Well done, Andy, sit down. The next round is called "Between the Lines", where Frankie, you'll take the part of Gordon Brown making a speech, and Hugh, you say what he really means.

Frankie Boyle: Clever setup line for Hugh.

Hugh Dennis: I hate everyone.

Frankie Boyle: Clever setup line for Hugh.

Hugh Dennis: I hate everyone.

Frankie Boyle: Clever setup line for Hugh.

Hugh Dennis: I hate everyone.

Dara O'Briain: Well done both of you, sit down and I'll award one of you points for "winning" even though you're both on the same team. The last round is called "Scenes We'd Like To See", and the first topic is "Bad or Otherwise Unlikely Things for Someone with a Vaguely Newsy kind of Job to Say".

Hugh Dennis: Are you paying too much for your car insurance?

Frankie Boyle: Paedophiles.

Dara O'Briain: Okay, so this week's winners are whichever team I feel like. Well done to everyone. Goodnight!

The Official Channel Flip Review For "Bonekickers"

It's crap.

It's like the commissioners thought "Yeah, let's make a TV show based on The Da Vinci Code. Only we can't for legal reasons." Then, they got some really terrible actors to run around about an age-old mystery using brushes and digging, and at the end nobody really gives a shit because the mystery happened 300 years ago and everyone back then is now dead.

Pointless.

It's the Master, disguised as Davros, who is actually Adam, in a parallel Universe populated by Sontaran Cybermen

This post contains spoilers for last Saturday's Doctor Who. If you haven't seen it by now then, well, what's wrong with you?

Being the Doctor Who fan that I am, I tend to hang around on the Doctor Who Forum. There you'll find some of the most terrifying aspects of the fandom, from people who think that the show is rubbish based solely on the fact that the current series isn't called Season 30, to people who think that Davros is actually Adam from the revived show's first series, to people who start entire threads just to post "squee" at varying lengths over and over again. It's also a breeding ground for suspect speculation, convoluted conspiracies and idiotic ideas for what people think will happen in the current series.

There have been a couple of theories bubbling to the surface this year. The dramatic reveal in last week's "The Stolen Earth" (which you can still watch on the BBC iPlayer if you're fortunate enough to live in the UK) is marginally less dramatic when you consider that a large portion of the fanbase has known about it now for very close to a year.Much of the fanbase chose to ignore this info, of course, and flat out say with absolute certainty that Davros wasn't coming back. Even when his silhouette appeared in the mid-series trailer, even when leaked photos which clearly showed him on set with a red Dalek leaked, people were denying that he would return.

Didn't stop him though, did it? I mean, it'd make things much easier for the Doctor, certainly...

Davros: I have returned, Doctor!
Doctor: No you haven't.
Davros: ...Yes I have.
Doctor: No, you haven't.
Davros: Haven't I?
Doctor: No, you definitely haven't.
Davros: Oh. Er... this is... um, sort of awkward now, really.
Doctor: It is a bit.
Davros: I'll just, um... I'll be off then, shall I?
Doctor: Prob'ly a good idea, yeah.

...but returned he has. Suck it, Portion Of The Fanbase Who Choose To Ignore The Bloody Obvious.

The other popular fan-theory over at the Doctor Who Forum is that the Master will also make a Triumphant Return, aiding the Daleks in some manner. It's not going to happen, as already apparent to anyone who is a) a fan of the classic series, and/or b) in possession of something vaguely resembling a brain. Fans are even stretching this ridiculous idea as far as to speculate that the Master is actually inside that ruddy great big red Dalek.

The annoying thing is that you can't tell 'em it's not going to happen, either. Because they take the viewpoint of "If you're not part of the NuWho Production Team, you're not qualified to say it won't happen." Apparently this means that it is happening, which is the kind of Dave Hitt Logic that jes' dun't compute.

Next they'll be trying to tell us that Donna Noble is the Final Cylon. Tch.

Too Much Continuity

Here's a question I have about Heroes. If you've not been watching it lately, and you don't want to know, obviously stop reading.

But I'm puzzled by Adam's accent. When he was first introduced, as Kensei, I assumed he was a time traveller: his accent and dialect were decidedly modern-day English, which I assumed didn't exist in the seventeenth century. (I don't really know how I would check this.) Eventually I just assumed he wasn't.

Then he lived in Japan and America for four centuries, and hasn't picked up an accent at all? I for one think that's weird. Does his accent have healing powers of its own?

It would have been a nice touch if his accent had changed a bit between the 1650 and 2008. And the actor is American, so I assume he can do an American accent.

Everything You Need To Know About Next Week's Doctor Who Finale

Sorry to post a forth Doctor Who post in a row, but it comes around that time of year where people are searching for information about the show. Specifically, information about the finale. So, from my conclusive sources*, I can tell you everything you need to know!

American UNIT Guy: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are at war"

I can deduce from this sentence that there will be a war.

Doctor: "Can't Be"

I can deduce from this quotation that somebody says something that The Doctor doesn't believe.

Jack: "There's Nothing I Can Do"

There is nothing Jack can do.

Sarah Jane: "It's impossible!"

I can deduce from this quotation that somebody says something that Sarah Jane Smith doesn't believe.

Martha: "It can't be!"

I can deduce from this quotation that somebody says something that The Doctor doesn't believe.

Ooh! Sounds like a decent finale!

*The trailer that aired after tonight's episode

The Scary Thing Is that the BBC Three Repeat was On at Excatly the Same Time

Just because I feel I've been a little harsh on Russell T Davies from time to time, I feel I should mention that I thought tonight's episode, Midnight, was excellent. (It certainly didn't hurt matters that Catherine Tate was hardly in it, although I assume that means they're double-banking again and that all bodes ill for next week.) It was a good concept, with good dialogue, and a very good execution of an idea that looks simple on paper but is decidedly freaky to actually watch made it one of the most genuinely frightening episodes in a long— er, one of the most genuinely frightening non-Moffat episodes in a long time. Davies even managed to resist being frivolous and silly, at least after the first couple of minutes, which is good because it would have really ruined the feel of that episode, more so than most I think. I'm tempted even to compare it to Blink, but that would just seem needlessly cruel, like praising some great new film and then dismissively saying "still, no Godfather trilogy, eh?"

It was exactly what Doctor Who should be. Why can't we have this kind of thing more often?

The Stolen Earth

When the premiere of Doctor Who's forth series aired, Radio Times had a special that told us all about the series. Except Episode 12. Episode 12's title was being kept a secret for some reason. I can only assume it's because they read my previous rant on 'Episode Twelve Syndrome' and decided not to get my blood boiling. The official statement was that the title "gave away too much".

It's been announced now. The Stolen Earth it's called. That doesn't give much away at all. An Earth gets stolen. The Doctor wakes up one day and thinks "oh crap, the Earth's gone. What a bugger". Will it have people just floating, grumbling that the Earth's been stolen. How the hell does one steal an Earth anyway?

No Hype for Midnight

Just a quick thing... this Saturday's episode of Doctor Who (BBC1, 7.00PM) is entitled Midnight. Not only is it the fiftieth episode produced of the revied series, but it's also the two hundredth Doctor Who story... ever.

Then why isn't it being hyped up?

Did I Lie To You?

Right now, on Radio 4, there is a panel show where the celebrity contestants must determine if each other's statements are truth or lies. David Mitchell is on it.

Lee Mack is also on it.

It is a totally original concept.

You can play along, because I have hidden a lie in this post.