It's The (American) GLAAAAADIAAATORRS!

The news today that The Gladiators is to return to our screens (albeit on Sky One), made my inner-child positively jump around like back when I was 7 years old and my mother had given me too much Um Bongo. If any show has been calling for a revival back to it's Saturday Night slot, it's the cheesefest that is The Gladiators. Thankfully NBC thought the exact same thing I did, although it may have to do with them scraping together any old crap they can make quickly; seeing as how all their actual television shows have ground to a halt due to the writers' strike. But one man's loss or another man's gain, and whilst some poor sap is mourning the loss of a season of 24, I'm experiencing the delight that is American Gladiators.

See, American Gladiators is quite possibly the the craziest show to be put on TV in a long while. It's exactly what you'd expect The Gladiators to be if it were: American, made in 2007, and targeted at teenage boys. Yet somehow it manages to give you so many "WTF!?" moments that make you laugh out loud, even if that wasn't the intention.

So let's compare the old-school 90's Gladiators from the era when ITV on a Saturday night was brilliant, with the new American Gladiators from an era when the kids that are watching can't stay still for more than 3 seconds. It's still the same format, play games, win points, gain seconds, do Eliminator. It's still the visual feast it's always been, only the new version whacks it up about 10 notches. Even in just the intro you have the logo spinning round, exploding, coming back, spinning some more, jumping from side to side, breaking apart, coming back together, staying still for about half a second, then exploding into your face once more. As this time we get to hear the first delights from the commentator who takes it all seriously, like he's bet his house and his family on one of the contestants to win.

Then there's the differences, instead of John Fashanu and Gladiator shag-piece Ulrika, it's hosted by Hulk Hogan. Yes, they thought it'd be a good idea to give an aging old man hosting duties. And yes, he still does that hand to the ear thing and says the word brother in every 3rd sentence. There's the wealth of new Gladiators, all angry, glistening and full of attitude, at one point in a game, a contestant is hanging on for dear life, so the Gladiator does the only plausible thing - kicks her in the face so she falls off. Of course.

The oddest difference to the British version of old is that, for some unexplained reason, most of the events take place above a huge pool of water. Get hit off in The Duel, down in the water you go. Get pulled off The Wall, better hope you can swim, cause it's nothing but pool for you. I was hoping for some kind of morbid twist to mixed in with the whole water gimmick, perhaps the contestants have heavy weights tied to their ankles, so they know that if they fail that there'll be a fight for survival. Or perhaps a shark... and a crocodile... and a bear with snorkeling gear, so they get ripped to shreds when they lose a game. Unfortunately, the only morbid twist is during The Eliminator round, for some reason, again not entirely explained, the pool is set aflame, so the contestants not only have to swim through the water, but they also have to make sure they don't catch fire.... whilst underwater... I'm not sure the makers of this show thought that deadly obstacle through...

The best water related piece in the whole show is the round called Assault. Now this isn't in the British version so let me explain it. The contestant runs from weapon to weapon, each getting more powerful than the one before, in the hope that they can use these weapons to fire Nerf balls at a big circle. But up top is a Gladiator, who also has a big Nerf gun, who is trying to shoot the contestant below with his Nerf balls. Yes, this round is actually sponsored by Nerf. So far so Gladiators, but what's odd is when the big circle target is hit, and the Gladiator i one final inexplicable moment, gets fire from the stage to the other side of the arena, and they end up in the pool. Just because you're as far away from the pool as you could possibly be, doesn't mean you're safe from a soaking. Seeing a 6 ft, 200lb bodybuilder scream whilst airborne and then get dunked in water is the funniest sight you'll see in a long time.

This is the kind of show that's so bad it's good, which gives me high hopes for the Sky One version that is imminent. If it keeps the cheesy nature and the incredible music of the original whilst borrowing a little of the exploding typography and general anarchy from the American version, this could send Sky subscriptions through the roof.

But if they don't bring John Anderson as the referee, there's gonna be hell to pay. I know where you live, Sky One.

What's On This Week - 2nd to 8th July

After a week in which many of the must-watch or even just slightly interesting shows of mine ended; the finishing on a rubbish note Doctor Who, the surprisingly excellent Talk To Me and the not that interesting yet still oddly unmissable Seven Ages Of Rock all coming to mind, the next week of TV brings a mix of some interesting, if not essential, shows, yet another massive concert that will destroy more of the environment than it’ll save, and most importantly, the return of a simply superb comedy. Time to grab the Radio Times and see what is worth watching this week.

Wimbledon continues to take a huge bite out of the BBC for the second, and luckily final week ending on Sunday and being annoying until then. Big Brother does the same for Channel 4 and E4 but unfortunately does not terminate on the same day, unless it’s dire ratings become even worse. The Saving Planet Earth series takes a smaller bite with it’s half hour shows every day till Friday, in which a celebrity of some kind makes some noise about an endangered animal; coupled with a marathon live show which lasts pretty much all evening on Friday (think Children In Need without Terry Wogan getting paid) hosted by Alan Titchmarsh and Graham Norton (the new Ant ‘n’ Dec) where they’ll be presenting music from such animal activists as Natasha Bedingfield and Avril Lavigne. Let’s hope Avril’s singing will distract at least one hunter enough so a tiger can avoid being skinned or mounted and go on to live a happy life killing deer, cause that’s the only way I can think that Miss Lavigne constantly singing “Hey” and “You” as well as a bit of “I don’t like your girlfriend” will help the environment, but what do I know, Keane will be personally stopping the polar ice caps from melting on Saturday.

Monday brings nothing of interest unless you like repeats. Eastenders looks to have a powerhouse of an episode in which “Peggy lays on a spread to entice punters through the door at the grand re-opening of the Queen Vic”. If this was Carry On Barbara Windsor then that storyline would be ripe for some innuendo-filled shenanigans, but as it is, Eastenders Barbara Windsor is probably just doing some food, in which case the episode is probably gonna be a bore-fest. Shrink Wrap on Channel 4 continues the theory that you can’t just have a normal talk-show anymore, this one has Pamela Connolly (nee Stephenson) put her Psychology degree to use and front a show that plans to get deep into the mind of their guest… Sharon Osbourne. Coupled with 24 Hours with…, me thinks chat shows are getting too deep now, I just wanna hear Peter Kay tell a funny story and something about his past, not whether the psychological pains of growing up in Bolton mentally scarred him for life. On the digitals, we’ve got a new episode of the terrible Touch Me, I’m Karen Taylor and a new series of Britain’s Next Top Model on Living, if you want to look at some marginally attractive skinny women.

The One To Watch: Crimewatch – Purely cause you might win some money if your mate flashes up on the screen robbing a house.

The only thing that really matters on Tuesday is the return of The Thick Of It, an absolutely brilliant comedy on BBC Four, back for a one hour special. I’m not gonna say much, just watch it. There’s literally nothing else of interest on. Lenny’s Britain is alright but is on at 9, so clashes with The Thick Of It, but it’s worth a record I suppose, he’s not as funny as he used to be. Two new Family Guy episodes show up on BBC Three if you haven’t downloaded them already. A documentary on Jack The Ripper gets an extremely odd presenter in the form of Vic Reeves on Sky One whilst BBC 2 hosts Paris, a documentary about the city, not the whore.

The One To Watch: The Thick Of It – Not only cause it’s brilliant, but there’s also nothing else on.

BBC 2 continues it’s rush to get Rome over and done with before the ratings slide too much, with this Wednesday being 3 weeks since it started and already halfway through. Shame really, it’s actually pretty good. BBC One has both The Real Cherie Blair (we’re all dying to know the real gurning witch with shit hair, aren’t we?) and also the final Imagine…, which details was Damon Albarn and Jamie Hewlett of Gorillaz fame did next. It involves China, opera, and the classic TV show Monkey. BBC Three shows Tomb Raider for the second time this week for some reason. E4 has Runaway and Living has Boston Legal, two American imports I’ve planned to give time to but never have, so are going to be my nights watching.

The One To Watch: Marcus Brigstoke’s Trophy People – Cause he’s usually pretty funny… even with Trevor McDonald.

Something big happens on Eastenders on Thursday, hopefully without a spread. I don’t know exactly what, I stopped caring a quarter of the way through the synopsis, but it got to be one of Today’s Choices in the Radio Times so it must be big. Straight after is The Big Day, which I’m only watching because my mum is in it, and I’ll be killed If I miss it. Holiday Showdown Extreme sounds fun to me because it conjures up a mental image of a family from Stoke running down a sunny beach in Majorca wielding Samurai swords, but the actual show will probably be a lot more sedate. Elsewhere, Scrubs will be nice if it hasn’t been on your hard drive for months, E4 really are terrible at bringing Scrubs overseas at any sort of quick speed, this episode two days shy of being 7 months late. Still, it’s a cracker, and ends even more lovey-dovey than usual for an episode of Scrubs.

The One To Watch: The Hampton Court Palace Flower Show – Seriously, can you get any more gripping than finding out how they change a garden pond into an aquatic paradise?! Yes, yes you can, on Five at the same time in fact, House is on.

Friday will mark a departure to the usual Friday night watching schedule for me; Paula Abdul is on The Friday Night Project. A horrible show, but that Paula Abdul likes a drink, especially before she does something that people will actually watch. See here for what I mean. Apart from that, there’s the usual Big Brother dominance on Channel 4 and the aforementioned Saving Planet Earth-athon on BBC One, with a Doctor Who repeat on BBC Three for those who are still confused as I am about the whole blandness of the finale. Also on the digitals is America’s got Talent, some more Glastonbury on BBC Four, and very little else.

The One to Watch: Inside… Spontaneous Human Combustion – Sky One really do know how to make the most serious of documentaries.

The second huge televised concert in a row takes over most of Saturday, with Live Earth starting at 5 and ending at 4am altogether, showing bits from around the world, along with the usual VT every 15 minutes on how to save the earth by taking out your charger from the plug socket, turning off your lights and not kicking endangered birds with a big leather boot when you see them. That takes over BBC One and 2 (also HD), Three and Four pretty much relegated to showing repeats. Channel 4 gives up without much of a fight for the ratings by showing the 100 Greatest War films, ITV puts up a bit of a fight with Harry Potter stuff, and a new series in which the public battle to become Lyric Champion 2007 or something odd like that, the kind of show that makes you want to become a TV show pitcher, if this really is the best idea the professionals can think of.

The One to Watch: Al Gore and His Ego – Not a programme, but just watch his smugness level rise every time he comes on stage at Live Earth; I predict a crown on his head made of recycled cans by 9pm, a velvet robe with energy-saving light bulbs spelling out “Al Gore Is The King Of the Earth” on his back by 10, and a throne that is pulled by actual penguins by the time of his final speech.

And to finish of the week with Sunday… nothing, absolutely nothing is worth particularly noteworthy. Repeats? Yet another episode of Rome? F1? Tour De France? Heartbeat? Anyone? Hello?