Twenty Bored

There are terrorists planning to assassinate a presidential candidate. My wife and daughter have been kidnapped, and some of the people that I work with may be involved in both. Oh, and David Palmer's son may have killed somebody, but he probably didn't.

There's a nuclear bomb about to go off in Los Angeles. An American business looks like it's behind it. But, you know, Jack Bauer's daughter is going to be running for a bit. And getting caught in bear traps.

There's a weaponised virus strain loose in LA. Jack Bauer has a heroin addiction. They need to break a druglord out of prison. Oh, but somebody may say some naughty things about the President. And something involving a guy called Alan Milliken. Who I don't care about.

In case you haven't worked it out, I'm going on about a common theme in American drama 24, which has beautifully returned to our screens on Sky One. It seems they can never complete a series without introducing a very boring plotline that has nothing to do with anything. I call the phenomenon "getting Twenty Bored". But it happens all the time, so it can't be that big a phenomenon. 24's been away for 18 months now due to writers striking and Kiefers drinking. The writers have promised that it will "go back to it's roots" and be "rebooted". This scared me, as the last time it "rebooted" was around the time of Series 4, where something awful happened. They decided to dumb down the "one plot that takes 24 hours to complete" regime, and added a new "plotline is resolved within four hours, new plotline takes over" tactic. It might as well have been four series' of a show called 6. Which sounds good on paper, but really isn't.

And then a grizzly bear started gnawing on her remains. She got a silent clock for that scene

As the seasons went on, so did the plots. We had a nuclear power station melt down, which is heartfelt on it's own... but we had to be given the emotional backstory that Edgar Stiles' grandmother was stuck on the island the power station was melting down on. Emotional overload! The writers decided that this strand of plot wasn't emotional enough, and decided to let Edgar's grandmother commit suicide. And then a grizzly bear started gnawing on her remains. She got a silent clock for that scene.

This "reboot" was not going to plan. It got worse as the long days continued, until we reached the final abomination that was Series Six. We had a nice idea about suitcase nukes and the potential death of Jack Bauer... until about episode 10 where the writers decided to involve Bauer's entire extended family. There was also the kidnap of a blonde haired effeminate Bauer relative, and a final scene set near some docks, where the bad guy died. And one of the characters announced she was surprisingly pregnant. This was not longer a reboot... it was a rehash.

The fans were very vocal about this series. I'll be honest and say that I haven't even watched three of the final episodes. I didn't have much hope for this new series.

But... it's been good so far. Five episodes in, and we've had enough twists and turns than we did in previous series, everything seems believable so far, and for the first time since 2002, I'm watching the episodes once a week, as they air on TV. I usually wait til the end of the series and watch all 24 episodes in a day. I'm also doing something new, which is watch the new series with somebody whose never even seen 24 before. It's nice to get a fresh perspective on it.

It's also nice to know that in this reboot, we have a plot that I don't care about! It wouldn't be 24 without it. This time, it's Did The President's Son Roger Kill Himself Or Not? , a plot that I didn't welcome with open arms. But, luckily for me, we're five episodes in and the plot is beginning to make a connection with everything else going on! This excites me, as it's never been done before. But then again, when Chloe ended up looking after a baby in Series Three, I never did suspect that it was behind the virus attacks in any way. Would have been cool though.

I look forward to the rest of Day 7. Don't fail me, Bauer

Is it just me, or is there some really horrible stuff on TV? That nobody notices?

Claire cut off her toe on Heroes, and that was done brilliantly, but it was underplayed, I think, presumably because it play it as it would be would have been horrific. Of course, that was nothing compared to what happened to Jack in Torchwood after that. He was buried. In a hole. For hundreds of years. And when he came out, had he gone mad? Had he even lost his accent a bit? No. On his own, unable to breathe or eat or talk, for centuries on end, and the moment he's dug up he's straight on the job again, without missing a beat. I'm not buying it.

We've all seen the reports of torture in Guantanamo. It's becoming pretty apparent that you don't need to go to anything like those lengths to break someone's mind, at least for a while. We all know now that an hour feeling like you can't breathe and you're going to die is spectacularly awful enough to render most people useless for at least the remainder of the day. Unless you're Captain Jack. Earlier in the same series, Toshiko was basically date-raped and nobody said a thing. Even Jeremy from Peep Show can spot date-rape when it happens. (I did like that Toshiko didn't think of it that way, as she still 'loved' him, but I'd have thought Owen would have said something.) And don't get me started on the incredible stunts Jack Bauer pulls shortly after undergoing literal physical torture or while recovering from a heroine addiction or something.

It's so inconsistent, too. Staying in series two of Torchwood, because I think that has a lot more scope to do horrid things to the principal characters than most shows, when Zombie Owen went a bit mad and started breaking his fingers at Toshiko, she all but broke down. I thought that was great TV, and the final scenes between those two were also fantastic. (I'm struggling to think of a reason to watch the show without those two.) And yet, that was the same episode that Jack was dug up after apparently failing to notice that he'd been buried for longer than anyone else lives.

I don't know. It always seems fine at the time -- it's usually only after the show that I think "hang on, that was actually pretty fucked up" -- but even so. Maybe it's just really, really hard to write good TV without this kind of thing happening once in a while. Or maybe it's just lazy.

Scene and Not Heard

I've just finished watching the 24 Season 6 DVD Box Set. I shan't go into details about how rubbish most of the episodes are, but I will talk about one thing I was looking forward to in this collection: the Season Six Alternate Ending.

If you aren't familiar with how season six of 24 ends, it is essentially the following: Jack has a conversation with his old lover who has recently gone insane thanks to some Chinese people kidnapping her, then he goes outside by some cliffs and looks at the horizon of the sea. It then fades to black and counts down from 05:59:57am to 06:00:00am (not surprising, what with this episode taking place between 5am and 6am). However, it isn't the most exciting television you've ever seen, but there we go.

Now, a lot of people won't fork over £35 for the DVD set, mainly because Season Six of 24 was a giant pile of toss. However, for your reading pleasure, I shall tell you the alternate ending of Series Six for absolutely free!

Jack has a conversation with his old lover who has recently gone insane thanks to some Chinese people kidnapping her, then he goes outside by some cliffs and looks at the horizon of the sea. Then he throws his gun into the water.

Then, for some bizarre reason, the on-screen clocks counts from 07:59:57 to 08:00:00. Because in this alternate ending, Jack Bauer finds a portal that sends him two hours into the future.

You think I'm kidding, don't you.

Cliffhanging Around

(The following article has spoilers for last night's Doctor Who episode. You really should have watched it by now.)

There's nothing that dramas love more than a nice cliffhanger. They do it because without them, what reason do the audience have in tuning into the next episode or series of the program? But when was the last time that the resolution of a cliffhanger was, well, any good?

Take 24 as an example. They like to end their seasons on a major plot twist that get veiwers tuning in when the show returns the following year. At the end of series two, we saw President David Palmer being affected by an assassination attempt by what I can only describe as Palm Poisoning. He collapsed on the ground, and all we could hear was his breathing failing and his heartbeat. Everybody tuned in to the next series to see his fate: but it's okay, because the next series took place three years later and he was up an about. That's alright then. This isn't the oly time something like this has happened in the show. One of the surprise twist endings involved Jack Bauer having to fake his own death to escape the Chinese government (which person hasn't had to do this once in a while?). However, tune in next series to find Jack in CTU running about in charge. Lovely. Good old Bauer.

Another show which has a problem resolving it's cliffhangers is Doctor Who. If it's the first episode of a two-parter, the final few seconds have to be tense. Sometimes, the Doctor can be stuck at the edge of the universe, surrounded by Slitheen or nearly attacked by Cybermen. It's tense and dramatic and makes us watch Part Two. However, why haven't we learnt that the resolution of the cliffhanger will be the same every time: the Sonic Screwdriver will sort it out. I watched Who last night to see how they'd escape the savage pointy-teeth future humans after the Master had escaped in the Doctor's TARDIS. I was hoping to find cunning and Moffat-esque writing. No. I see the time-travelling trio already arrive in the present. Bam. The sonic screwdriver has saved the day again.

Despite last night's episode being a bit funny in places and a reasonably enjoyable watch, I still say it was as bad as all the other Episode Twelves this show has had. Let's hope for a decent finalé.

"24" Series 7 to be "Worst One Yet"

After much agreed outrage from every single fan of the show, the producers of 24 have decided to revamp the show for the series to be aired in 2008.

"For the past few years, we've tried to come up with original ideas" states producer Howard Gordon. "The thing is, it's difficult to come up with new original storylines that are emotional, gripping and dramatic. Many fans of today sit down and watch the show expecting to be disappointed. So, we're just going to play on that".

The basic plan is to deliberately make series seven illogical and implausible. Writers and producers believe that if they purposely write storylines from thin air, the audience should love it.

"First, we're going to make Jack Pregnant" says wrinkled-face teaboy Ron Howard, "this will be explained by all the radioactivity that Bauer has absorbed in the past ten years of his life."

"Also, the main terrorist threat will be 24 jar of killer bees spread around Los Angeles. Jack will have to try and track down one jar every hour. We will also add about three storylines per episode, but they will be resolved before the closing seconds of the episode."

Fans of the once-passable TV drama anticipate this new series, and believe that more people will watch it as they don't have to sit through all twenty-four episodes of the series.

"Hell, it'll still be better than Lost" states main star Kiefer Sutherland.